I don’t call J my boyfriend.
He is not a boy and is not my friend. He’s my man. I correct people if they refer to him as my boyfriend.
I am his, his main girl, his woman, his kitten, his bottom bitch.
What did I expect before we met?
Before J, I was juggling 3-4 guys, each for over a few months. I loved dating and wasn’t looking for a relationship, but something with consistency. I just wanted to spend time with a guy I had fun with, liked, and had bomb sex with. I was trying to weed them down to just one, but my top two both ended up fizzling out. I was already more confident in myself and with dating than ever before and I loved the thrill of the chase, butterflies, getting all pretty for a date, having someone to text… Girlie shit.
The two official relationships I’ve been in were both awful. I was much more immature and had never actually played the field, didn’t know the type that was good for me – I committed to the first losers who would take me, who couldn’t appreciate all I was willing to do for them. In summary, I like to think now I was searching for a man like J to give me a wakeup call. If I hadn’t met him, I would have casually dated indefinitely until I met a man with Alpha qualities who fully allowed me to be the submissive woman I am today. That’s what I’ve always wanted, but never knew I could have.
Did J set up a frame from the beginning?
Yes, or definitely the gist of it. I knew within the first week of dating J that he would not be monogamous with one girl, planned on traveling the world within 2 years, & would never let a girl hold him down.
After our first date, I didn’t really think about what those things meant long term – they didn’t matter. All I knew was that I wanted to see him more and would do anything to see him again.
How did things get more serious? What challenges did time bring?
We started hanging out maybe twice a week and I started to spend the night more often and come over after work, etc. I was absolutely addicted to him. I have never wanted someone more in my life. Around 2 months after we met, we went to Vegas together for the 4th of July. I already loved him by then and was terrified of my emotions. I knew J didn’t want permanence and I told him (in a beautifully tragic drunk cry) that I thought I should get out now before I would be completely crushed. Oh yes, I also told him I loved him for the first time.
Other girls weren’t the focus here; it was my too powerful connection to him. When we got home from the trip, he told me that since it’ll hurt either way so why not prolong the happiness, but the decision was entirely mine. He didn’t pressure me one way or another. I think all women want a boy to stand up and fight for them – “No don’t leave me! You’re wonderful. I want you in my life! You have to stay!” And I half expected him to, but when he didn’t, it really was up to me. After he took me upstairs and fucked me silly, I decided to stay. It came down to seeing him making changes in me (health, happiness, drive, goal setting…) and I knew keeping him in my life would make me a better person. Or maybe my doped up lady brain just wanted to get pounded a few more times. Haha.
The frame never changed… Maybe more of it was revealed the longer we were together. I saw him sticking to his guns about no monogamy even as we grew closer. I knew he was with other girls– it wasn’t hard to detect: blonde hair in his bed, bobby pins on the nightstand, lots of texts from females. This is what creeped up at me next. It was tough for me to validate staying with him and caring for him so much when he’s still with other girls. I was conflicted. He made me feel like a queen when we were together but I never knew if that’s how he treated all the other girls. As these feelings escalated, I felt used, upset at myself for falling in love with him and not able to control my feelings, unloved, embarrassed for staying in a situation like this, angry I was suffering and he was in heaven with his pussy buffet, still scared I would be replaced… Hence the next breakdown, circa Oktoberfest. It started when J asked me why I never say what I said in Vegas (I love you). Pulled the trigger in my drunken state and let the tsunami of emotions let loose. I bawled and rambled for probably 30 minutes while J just listened. I can’t remember exactly what was said, but of course, I felt better after. J always puts my emotions in check. I was freaking out when nothing was wrong. He said his first real “I love you” back and knowing that he really cared about me and wanted to keep me was reassuring.
Driving home from the casino in Vegas, 6AM
I wasn’t completely resolved because the day after Halloween I broke down again. On Halloween I was working til 1AM and J was going out to the bars alone. The whole time I was at work I felt nauseous, literally about to puke, knowing J would be out with/probably bang another girl(s). I had never had emotions cause me physical pain before. It was awful. I cried the whole way home. Silly girl that I am I bottled up my thoughts and pretended everything was okay. Of course when I picked him up from work the next day and he was holding his clothes from the night before (AKA he didn’t spend the night at his place), I knew another storm was building inside me. Apparently I’m only truly honest when I’m drinking because it took a few drinks for me to spill my guts. This was my worst by far. I actually said some pretty hurtful things – way out of character for me. I said I didn’t think I could do it anymore. The jealousy was consuming me. At that moment, the happiness didn’t make up for the torture I was inflicting on myself. I said it may have been better if I had never met him… Nasty shit. Didn’t raise my voice at all, it was a desolate self realization that I was ready to give up. I didn’t ask him to change, not once, ever. I knew from the beginning what I got myself into, what we would never be, and wish I was prepared for this I guess. But I was hurting. Badly. I left J speechless. I think he felt bad that he was a factor in causing me (his girl) so much pain. I asked if he would even be sad if I left. He said, “Let me put it this way, you would be very hard to replace.” J didn’t want me to leave, but absolutely would if it was what I wanted/what was best for me.
As much as I was hurting, I didn’t want to leave. That’s why I was so upset. Everything inside me told me to bail the fuck out. And yes I loved him immensely, but that’s not a reason to stay with someone. When I look at the big picture, we have a mutually beneficial partnership. And most of the time I am so overjoyed that it makes up for feeling disgustingly jealous every few months. Every relationship will have its negatives. Overall, I’m 100x happier with my relationship and life with J than I was with either of my exes and in a heartbeat I would take J over them. My life and fitness was on track more than ever. I was confident and feminine and mature and a better woman than most. I wanted a solution – something to eliminate my raging jealousy. That was literally the only problem.
I told him I wasn’t as hurt when he told me he had been with a girl after it happened. Turns out I invent worse scenarios in my head and am always on edge when I’m without him. Halloween he made out with some chicks, but crashed on the couch. Once again, put me in check. I am a woman, I overact – it’s in my nature. I asked if he would be willing to be brutally honest with me and tell me when he’s with other girls. Yes, this seems intrusive, but it was the only thing I could think of to keep my sanity. He agreed. implicating this honesty was enough of a change to support my continued commitment to him. The pattern here seems to be: breakdown > small adjustments > increased strength. As time has passed, I’ve become more accepting of his lifestyle and have embraced my role in his life.
Isn’t all your drama so annoying for J? Why would any man want to be with you?
Okay Captain Critical, I realize going into detail about my breakdowns is begging to be ripped to shreds. These are literally my only low moments, my only bad qualities. Yes, some men would walk away after the first time I cried about my insecurities, but they would also be missing out on all of the positive things I offer.
A man who can have his choice of any woman chose to keep me around – that says something. I literally focus my entire life around my man. I am never happier than when I make my man happy. I will do anything for him. I have no doubt I can and do give my man much more than most women do these days. If you feel the need, go complain somewhere else about how women are dramatic and worthless.
Why did J keep me? His words: “The reason I kept you is you never once flaked on me. Showed initiative in working out, stuck to it, are so sweet, feminine. You’ve never said no to me. On top of being hot as fuck and a freak in bed.” I’m sure he’ll elaborate
if you asked him. [
Relevant]
Why didn’t you ask J to commit to only you?
Because I was told this from the beginning, it never crossed my mind. Of course I would prefer exclusivity; but I have to either be okay with his rules or GTFO. I don’t believe in changing my man. I fell in love with the man I met 7 months ago, I wouldn’t change a thing about him.
Besides, a monogamous relationship would change our entire dynamic – Make it worse actually. Because I know I must constantly compete with other girls, I want to be the best and work harder all of the time to maintain my status. It makes me a better woman for J and myself because I am always improving. We want what we can’t have. Since I never fully “have” J, I want him more and more as time passes. So not only do I work harder for him, but I’m more attracted and drawn to him.
We never get comfortable enough to settle. Settle into a routine, settle for our current selves (rather than getting better over time), settle rather than explore the best options.Settling is when relationships become boring. Sex becomes a chore, girls gets chubbier, you stop trying to impress each other, you feel limited/ball-and-chained and want to cheat, tingles disappear.
I never thought I’d realize this, but it raises my confidence when J is with another girl and still chooses me. It’s constant validation that he compares them to my standard and others don’t measure up. It’s the biggest compliment to belong to a super hot dominant man with endless female options who still wants me to be his favorite.
Thinking about it this way also helps ease my jealousy.
He dates and sleeps with other girls – Do you go out with other guys?
No. When I first met him I wasn’t dating anyone else and instantly had no desire to. He had more charisma, sex skills, muscles, tallness, humor, badassness, honesty, and fun than any guy I had ever met. Any spare time I had I wanted to spend it with him.
After a few months
I went on one date with a dude from OKC (feeble attempt to distance my love struck heart from him – failed miserably haha). Opened my eyes to how high my standards are now. I couldn’t casually date because I would be consistently disappointed.
There is no purpose for me to date other men right now and I have zero interest in it. I’m getting laid by a sex god almost every day. I have probably the strongest emotional connection I will ever have. He gives me tingles galore, even more now than when we first met.
I did ask J if he would let me date other dudes if I wanted and he chuckled, “No way! You’re mine.” Because J has given me everything I need and treated me like a queen, he knows it’s pointless for me to date others. I never questioned this being “unfair” or a double standard. J is the dominant, I follow his rules, or I’m out. Simple. I embrace the control he has over me and honestly it adds to his attractiveness.
Would you recommend this type of relationship to others?
To those who can handle it, absolutely. I believe our relationship is ideal for us, in today’s society, right now.
It’s ideal because together we are stronger than we are individually. It’s ideal for me because I get everything I want from a man – literally everything besides exclusive commitment which is muted by all the other awesomeness. (Plus like I stated earlier, it’d be trading one problem for another & would affect our dynamic negatively). If you’ve read any of my other posts, they attest to some of the exhilarating happiness J provides me – that alone is ideal.
Ideal for him: because he has a woman who revolves her whole life around him. I treat him like the king that he is. He gets to be sweet and cuddle and get massages from a pretty girl that loves him more than anything. But then still gets to go out and game at night. I take care of him when he’s sick, tell him how big his muscles are, blow him any time he wants. He doesn’t have to hide anything from me like he does with other girls. I can be his rock just as much as he’s mine. I like to think everyone wants some kind of stability.
It helps to understand the mutuality of this kind of thing. He’s not using me for sex; I’m good for him too. That being said, this type of relationship is difficult to arrange and maintain. Not all girls could handle the emotional stress I go through, and even less would chose to endure it. This works for me because I love to please my man more than anything and I am willing to be trained. J has tweaked my already above average qualities into his ideal ones. These are optimal qualities for a bottom bitch. She also has to be really smart or really stupid haha. Smart enough to avoid letting “feelings” make all important decisions, understand the scope of a man’s needs/her role in his life, impartially assess costs/benefits, and possess the capacity for logical thought. Or stupid enough to be played & manipulated the whole way through – which I imagine would be a far less quintessential situation.
What will happen in the future?
I very seriously asked J a few weeks ago what he would do if he was me – as far as life plan and relationships. He said that I should make a decision by the end of next year if I want a family or not. If I want kids I need to find the older version of him, who is successful, mature, and wants to settle down with a younger wife in her prime. If I don’t want kids, I stay with him. I asked for how long? I’m not stupid, a man like J will have easy access to young, beautiful women his entire life – When I start to get older I’ll be replaceable. He asked me how old my mom is – she’s 53. “I’d still bang your mom” Hahaha. Genes are on my side – I’ll still be hot into my mid-40s, guaranteed – Especially since I take way better care of my skin than my mom did. And if I don’t want to spend my entire life with J, by my 30s I will know what I want and exactly how to get it – I could do anything I want with my life.
Already I know how to make a man happy (something I pride myself on) so he isn’t worried about me. I could find some cute guy at work down the road who gives me tingles and he offers me commitment. J said he would willingly let me go and try with him because he knows he can’t offer me the exclusive commitment, and if it doesn’t work out, I’ll know where to find him.
I am still evolving as a person with every year, month even. I know I have some big decisions to make in the future, and all I can say is that I will tackle those obstacles when I get there. For now everything is perfect.
http://kaitlynsploosh.wordpress.com/2013/12/13/i-love-being-a-bottom-bitch/
I don't have an issue with interracial relationships, as long as you're thorough, 
When a white woman is with a thorough black man, she's thorough, she's speaking the truth about racism & white privilege. She acknowledges white privilege. 
I have seen white guys speak the truth on racism & white privilege, I just have never seen them with any black woman. But that isn't to say they don't exist. 
